Fridays and Reality

FRIDAY

For most families, Friday is a day that marks the end of the normal work week and brings excitement for the upcoming weekend activities or lack thereof.

For our family, Friday is co-op day!!!!! For those that aren't familiar, this is the day that we meet (along with tons of other families) for a day of socialization learning. 

The moms teach all of the different classes that are offered (most of which we don't teach at home) and our kiddos get to choose from a variety of classes to take.  Classes range from cake decorating to Lego club to worship team to sewing & every Friday ushers in a new-ER excitement than the week before.

I love the classes that I'm able to be part of every week.

When we arrive (which is usually about 5 minutes late, because we are NEVER on time for anything), I immediately put in our lunch order & then rush into the sanctuary for Worship Team. I am blessed to assist in leading this group of teens in singing/playing instruments for God. After practice (& trying to "perfect" it), all of the classes& moms come into the sanctuary for a time of worship (led by the teens in Praise/Worship)&announcements.

After worship is over, I am stoked to be able to lead the Childrens Choir. This is an hour of songs, games, prayer & treats :)

If I'm lucky all of the moms are there, 3rd hour is my "Free" hour. I am able to chat with others that aren't teaching, snack on goodies that volunteer moms bring to share (which, we all know it's never me that volunteers) or do nothing.  Usually I partake in the latter......chilling out with my phone in hand, checking Facebook.

Then, it's the lunch hour rush. Little ones running ALL OVER, moms chasing after them, teens trying to get away from their moms to hang out with their friends and moms trying to get with other moms to have "adult time".  It's absolute chaos, exhausting......AND the part of the day that I look forward to the most!!!!

It's what one of our fellow members named us today....and it's only fitting, "The Real Home School Moms of SC" or " The Real HSM's of SC"

We like to think of ourselves as "not-your-normal" home school moms = cool moms, although I'm sure our children digress. 

We are usually loud, opinionated & giggly......some of our children even critique our laughter.....apparently there is a certain way to sound when you think something is funny (who knew?)

We are like high school girls.....saving seats, talking about the highlights of our week & the things that grate our nerves.

A topic of conversation today was the excitement of the upcoming reality show

Myrtle Manor 

Not only is this a new reality show but its also located in Myrtle Beach, SC.....vacation spot of habit for a lot of people. They have their own security, colorful trailers, pink flamingos AND their own hair salon!!!! Did I mention this is all in a trailer park?????????

We are even enthusiastically discussing a road trip to The Manor......so that we can get our hair done at "Tangled", The Manor's hair salon.  How fun would that be????? How hilarious would that be??????

And MAYBE.....just maybe, TLC would be there, see us in all of our home school glory & there will be a new show................

Are you thinking what I'm thinking????

~K

Fear

"Fear not, because I am with you...."

We've all heard this verse. Along with, 'Fear is from the devil'.......'Theres nothing to worry about'..........'Worry doesn't add anything good to your life'

Those things are all true-i believe each statement however what happens when fear is out of control? When it is completely taking over with no relief?

When you see it change a person right before your eyes?

When you don't know whose advice to take or which step should be next?

That's exactly where I am right now. (Not with me.....yes, I have my own issues, but that's another post) i am in this place with my youngest daughter, Kylie.

My energetic, talkative, beautiful, dramatic social butterfly.  

Since the day she was born, she has consistently made herself known. She was a natural born leader and her personality has always drawn people to her. She doesn't meet a stranger and has always been little miss independent.  Her personality is BIG & dramatic, which means every emotion is extreme. When she is happy, she is contagiously happy. BIG happy. When she loves, she loves with her entire being. When her feelings are hurt, she can't just brush it off. She hurts deeply. When she plays pretend, her characters have extremely distinct voices and personalities. There is no sitting still for her, she is constantly turning cartwheels, doing handstands/head stands, flips, sitting on my shoulders while she watches T.V., "riding the stairs" in her sleeping bag & loving her dog, Pixie-when no one else pays any attention to her.

.........until January 2nd.

I don't know what triggered the fear, but it has rapidly changed our lives.

She is now terrified to be alone. Alone in her bedroom, alone in the bath, alone anywhere at anytime. She sits, constantly twirling her hair.........thinking.  Not normal, 3rd grader thoughts......these thoughts go deeper.  My 8yr old with a sponge as a brain, that we "oohed and ahed" over because of her amazing ability to remember EVERYTHING......now, I wish she could forget.  

She remembers the dates that she got sick and threw up, which means she now dreads Mothers Day & the entire month of December.  She worries about the next time she may get sick and it has consumed her. She is terrified.......obsessed.

She not only remembers the dates but she remembers exactly what she wore-which means those clothes will not be worn again.....she won't even touch them.

She remembers exactly what she did on those days that she got sick, which means there are Barbies and Polly Pockets that are sitting in the playroom, with no little girl to greet them as she did.

I am her new best friend.

Me and my mom (her Grandmommy).

She clings to us & won't let us out of her sight. 

As you can imagine, life is different now. 

No time alone, no private phone conversations, bedtime is based on when she's tired and ready for bed......and as you guessed it.....we go to bed together. Sometimes it's her bed and sometimes it's mine.  Constant questions...."....am I ok?"....."do you think I'm going to be ok?"......."I'm scared."

It's hard not to get frustrated, especially when I know EXACTLY what she feels. But, sometimes I have "bad mom" moments & I lock myself in my room and pull my hair out of my head try to do some square breathing before I lose my mind.

Right now we are going through this together, taking "baby steps". I've been told that she will possibly outgrow this.  I've been told to get her put on meds. I've been told to get her involved with a therapist & maybe she can talk through this and get over this.

And honestly I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of doing this on my own and I'm afraid of taking her to a therapist.

I'm completely undecided and completely stressed out.

I'm ready to have my daughter back

And right now, that's the only thing I'm sure of

~K

Milestones and Miracles

7 years ago today I was uncertain of my future with my husband -uncertain if there would even be a future with him......

This was the day that we had been waiting on all week, Surgery Day.  He was diagnosed at the beginning of the week with a Meningioma Brain Tumor & spent the entire week in the Neuro-ICU.

My parents, along with Stephens parents and some grandparents, formed a circle around his bed at 6:00am, joined hands and began praying over him. You know a lot of times we make the mistake of thinking of God as a genie in a bottle and take advantage of Who and what He is capable of. Not this time. Not for me. In this moment, God was not my genie......He was my answer. Nothing or no one else.  As they wheeled him out of his room at 7:15 am, we were granted permission to place a prayer cloth on his chest.....no turning back now.....

Down to the 2nd floor waiting room we went, where more of our friends and family were waiting. We were told that because of the type of tumor this was and because of the location (it was pressing against his main artery) that surgery would more than likely last a very long time (there were extra surgeons prepared to step in to give Stephens surgeon a break). He would loose a lot of blood and have to have blood transfusions (this type of tumor is known for its extreme bleeding) & after surgery he would undergo radiation treatments because there was no way that the entire tumor would be able to be removed. Needless to say, I was prepared for a long worrisome day.

The OR called the waiting room to let me know that they started surgery at 8:20 am.......

I had my support system, I had food (lots and lots of food) and all of the latest gossip magazines.....but I couldn't focus or sit still.......I watched the clock and time just crept by.....  

The OR called again at 10:00am & 11:45am to let me know that everything was going smoothly.

At 12:25pm, we were surprised to see Dr. K come into the waiting room. I had NO idea what I was about to hear.....and then the most shocking words were spoken.....

Surgery was over! As he started cutting, the ENTIRE tumor fell into his hands!! No blood transfusions and no radiation would be needed!! He was awake and moving his hand on command, which meant NO paralysis!!!

Wow!!!!! The unexpected happened. A modern day miracle was performed. MY hubby was a miracle!!!!!

You could hear the cheers all over the waiting room........probably down the hallway too......you see, when our family and friends are together-it's not quiet. EVER. When we pray and are begging for Gods favor, it's not quiet........and just as Stephens grandfather (may he continually rest in peace) reminded us that so many times we beg for God to answer our prayers, and when He does, we so often forget to thank Him & Praise Him for what He has done.

So, right there in the waiting room all of us once again joined hands, formed a circle and thanked God for doing a miracle in Stephens life. We cried tears of joy, tears of relief, we smiled because we couldn't contain our happiness, we praised God for what He had just done......

And I guarantee you we were loud..........

Face It

Life.

We all live it.

Some seemingly soar through,with the stars aligned perfectly, giving us the impression that everything is wonderful......life is easy......no worries.....no shirt no shoes no problems

Others crawl walk through the time that we have been given to roam this Earth.  

Sometimes you can actually see their journey by just looking at them......

Pain

Rejection

Failure

Insecurities

Sadness

Although we are told "never judge a book by its cover", being the observer that I am, I believe that you can tell a lot about someone just by looking at them. More specifically, their face.

However, there are some really good actors, walking around with their plastic faces, playing "pretend" in a world that begs for you to be "real", be "raw", BE YOURSELF.....until......the world that seemingly shuns you for being fake, curses you when you reveal yourself-your TRUE self to them.

You aren't what they were expecting.

They have too much to worry with already, they can't talk about your problems too.  They have an image to uphold, what if someone thinks they are like you? The REAL you.  Or.....what if you find out who they really are?  Their mask comes off unexpectedly around you........it drops to the floor, leaving them unsure and nervous about their next step.

Being a pastor's daughter believe nothing that you hear of us  it is sometimes difficult to be myself. What will the religious people think of me? How will it affect my father? When you are directly involved in a pastor's family, you are in a glass house-like it or not.  I don't understand it, but people think that we have superhuman powers to be flawless, carry BIG Bibles, and to wear a smile on our face.  ALWAYS.

I am about to reveal a TOP SECRET...........

....ready??....




I'm not perfect.



i know, i know-it's a lot to take in.  I am married, have two beautiful daughters, a lot of good things and people in my life AND I'm a pastor's daughter Christian. Problems? Me? Issues? Moi??

Yep.

And, let me let me just step out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that you aren't perfect either.  Actually, I know you aren't. You have good days and bad days.  You mess up--sometimes more than once.  You get your feelings hurt.  Some things make you happy. Some things just down right piss you off.

The good news is that you aren't alone.  You don't have to pretend with me. (In fact, I would rather you not) I like to think of myself as a real person.  A girl that calls it like I see it. A girl that will be there for you with open arms when you've lost someone special or have just been let down.  I'm the chick that will laugh until I pee my pants with you (especially if someone falls) and I'm also the girl that will say & feel things that I shouldn't.

Am i bragging? of course not.....My goal is to live my life as close to the life of the Proverbs 31 woman.  That is a daily battle.  I'm trying.

But my oh my.......the stories.....


You just wait...........

K~