Fear

"Fear not, because I am with you...."

We've all heard this verse. Along with, 'Fear is from the devil'.......'Theres nothing to worry about'..........'Worry doesn't add anything good to your life'

Those things are all true-i believe each statement however what happens when fear is out of control? When it is completely taking over with no relief?

When you see it change a person right before your eyes?

When you don't know whose advice to take or which step should be next?

That's exactly where I am right now. (Not with me.....yes, I have my own issues, but that's another post) i am in this place with my youngest daughter, Kylie.

My energetic, talkative, beautiful, dramatic social butterfly.  

Since the day she was born, she has consistently made herself known. She was a natural born leader and her personality has always drawn people to her. She doesn't meet a stranger and has always been little miss independent.  Her personality is BIG & dramatic, which means every emotion is extreme. When she is happy, she is contagiously happy. BIG happy. When she loves, she loves with her entire being. When her feelings are hurt, she can't just brush it off. She hurts deeply. When she plays pretend, her characters have extremely distinct voices and personalities. There is no sitting still for her, she is constantly turning cartwheels, doing handstands/head stands, flips, sitting on my shoulders while she watches T.V., "riding the stairs" in her sleeping bag & loving her dog, Pixie-when no one else pays any attention to her.

.........until January 2nd.

I don't know what triggered the fear, but it has rapidly changed our lives.

She is now terrified to be alone. Alone in her bedroom, alone in the bath, alone anywhere at anytime. She sits, constantly twirling her hair.........thinking.  Not normal, 3rd grader thoughts......these thoughts go deeper.  My 8yr old with a sponge as a brain, that we "oohed and ahed" over because of her amazing ability to remember EVERYTHING......now, I wish she could forget.  

She remembers the dates that she got sick and threw up, which means she now dreads Mothers Day & the entire month of December.  She worries about the next time she may get sick and it has consumed her. She is terrified.......obsessed.

She not only remembers the dates but she remembers exactly what she wore-which means those clothes will not be worn again.....she won't even touch them.

She remembers exactly what she did on those days that she got sick, which means there are Barbies and Polly Pockets that are sitting in the playroom, with no little girl to greet them as she did.

I am her new best friend.

Me and my mom (her Grandmommy).

She clings to us & won't let us out of her sight. 

As you can imagine, life is different now. 

No time alone, no private phone conversations, bedtime is based on when she's tired and ready for bed......and as you guessed it.....we go to bed together. Sometimes it's her bed and sometimes it's mine.  Constant questions...."....am I ok?"....."do you think I'm going to be ok?"......."I'm scared."

It's hard not to get frustrated, especially when I know EXACTLY what she feels. But, sometimes I have "bad mom" moments & I lock myself in my room and pull my hair out of my head try to do some square breathing before I lose my mind.

Right now we are going through this together, taking "baby steps". I've been told that she will possibly outgrow this.  I've been told to get her put on meds. I've been told to get her involved with a therapist & maybe she can talk through this and get over this.

And honestly I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of doing this on my own and I'm afraid of taking her to a therapist.

I'm completely undecided and completely stressed out.

I'm ready to have my daughter back

And right now, that's the only thing I'm sure of

~K